The Simpsons might have seared the image of a crazy cat lady being a disheveled, witchy woman living in a shack, wreathed in screaming cats and chasing off passers-by with feline projectiles. But, as ever, the real world isn?t quite so black and white.
Indeed, some of you reading this article might very well be a crazy cat lady yourself without even realizing it. Worry not, we?re here to help diagnose you. You know you’re a bona fide crazy cat lady if…
Your cat dictates your wardrobe
Closely rivaled by dogs, cats are one of the worst offenders for spreading their loose hairs around the home and, subsequently, your clothing.
If you find that the ongoing battle between fashion and cat hair has resulted in you avoiding particular fabrics, styles or even whole colors of clothing? Then you might be on your way to Crazy Cat Lady Station. You?ll at least look the part.
You use the internet for all the wrong things?
The internet is the most ground-breaking tool of our generation. Education, communication, self-employment, political upheavals; they?ve all been revolutionized and redefined by the power of modern online technology.
But you, like the best of us, use it for watching cat videos and sharing feline gifs, don?t you? I bet you even look up cat themed articles in your free time. Newsflash: you?re a crazy cat lady.
One of us. One of us. One of us.
You procrastinate to avoid upsetting your cat
It?s no secret that your lap, belly, back, head and more are all prime real estate for your cat to perch its furry little behind and fall asleep. This is one of life?s great ideological crossroads.
Let?s say you?re gripped by a crippling need to run to the toilet ? do you A) move the cat, gently, to another location, thus freeing yourself to go about your business or B) sit perfectly still, hold it in and hope for the best?
You don?t need me to tell you that B) means?
Cats are the topic of the day, every day
Family, friends, spouses, strangers on the commute to work ? they all know that cats are on your mind because you can?t stop talking about them. No matter the topic; the latest Game of Thrones episode? You?ll mention the cat that walked by in the background of one obscure scene.
Nationwide electoral politics? You want to know what the candidates? litter tray philosophies are before you think about casting a vote.
Your friends communicate with you via cat gifs
It?s gotten to the point where you don?t even need to look out your own cat pictures, memes, gifs or videos; you?ve somehow developed a sort of Mafioso delivery service, whereby your friends link you to a daily quota of different pictures on social media.
It?s a great time-saver, sure, but it?s an unequivocal sign that crazy cat lady syndrome has well and truly set in.
Everything you own attests?to your cat love
If everything from your clothing to your bedroom d?cor screams of cats, then you?ve nearly completed your transformation into a crazy cat lady.
It?s one thing to love your cat (or the general concept of cats) in private, but when it gets to the point that your sweaters are covered in at pictures, your phone is adorned with a cat-case and you find more and more excuses to wear those feline slippers outdoors…then you might be a lost cause.
You demand?feline adoration
We all have a list of deal breakers when it comes to those first tentative steps in a new relationship or making new friends. Usually, these red flags centre on politics, social issues or (let?s be honest) attractiveness.
However, if you find that the other person?s personal opinion on cats trumps all of these larger issues and, more than that, you find yourself unable to show human love for somebody who doesn?t care for cats?
Guess what? Potential crazy cat lady.
Your ?cat? has its own social media profiles
The previous seven examples are, for the most part, forgivable and fairly common amongst us cat owners? This one jumps the shark, though. If your pet has its ?own? Twitter/Facebook/Instagram account then you?ve got a serious crazy cat lady issue on the go.
It?s an aggressive case. There?s nothing to be done. No coming back from the edge ? you?ve gone full overboard, and will remain a crazy cat lady forevermore.
Worse still, if your ?cat?s? posts on social media refer to you, the pet owner, as ?mommy?, then it?s time to call in an exorcist.
You have a small empire of cardboard boxes
Cats seem to love few things more than playing around in cardboard boxes. A sure-fire sign of Crazycatladyism is if the home is littered with moving boxes, months after the fact, acting as a cardboard labyrinth for your cat to play in.
By this point, can you really say that it?s you who owns the cat and not the other way around?
You find excuses to celebrate cat anniversaries
Pet birthdays are one thing; they?re a largely acceptable example of pet-love and a nice excuse to treat your cat to something a little out of the ordinary. Christmas presents for your cat? A little unorthodox, but not too bad.
An Easter present for your cat? Too much.
A Valentine?s gift for the cat? Far too much and, frankly, quite disturbing.
A gift for yourself on Mother?s day ?from? the cat? Crazy. Cat. Lady.
Bonus points if you celebrate the day you purchased your lovable kitty and call it your ?Cativersary?.
Perhaps you, or somebody close to you, are exhibiting some of the above signs of crazy cat lady syndrome. We?re afraid there?s no known course of action available; it?s best to simply smile, move on and hope that you won?t be next? The cats come for us all eventually.