The Simpsons might have seared the image of a crazy cat lady being a disheveled, witchy woman living in a shack, wreathed in screaming cats and chasing off passers-by with feline projectiles. But, as ever, the real world isn’t quite so black and white.
Indeed, some of you reading this article might very well be a crazy cat lady yourself without even realizing it. Worry not, we’re here to help diagnose you. You know you’re a bona fide crazy cat lady if…
Your cat dictates your wardrobe
Closely rivaled by dogs, cats are one of the worst offenders for spreading their loose hairs around the home and, subsequently, your clothing.
If you find that the ongoing battle between fashion and cat hair has resulted in you avoiding particular fabrics, styles or even whole colors of clothing? Then you might be on your way to Crazy Cat Lady Station but at least you’ll look the part.
You use the internet for all the wrong reasons
The internet is the most ground-breaking tool of our generation. Education, communication, self-employment, political upheavals; they’ve all been revolutionized and redefined by the power of modern online technology.
But you, like the best of us, use it for watching cat videos and sharing feline gifs, don’t you? I bet you even look up cat themed articles in your free time. Newsflash: you’re sounding like a crazy cat lady.
You procrastinate to avoid upsetting your cat
It’s no secret that your lap, belly, back, head and more are all prime real estate for your cat to perch its furry little behind and fall asleep. This is one of life’s great ideological crossroads.
Let’s say you’re gripped by a crippling need to run to the toilet? do you A) move the cat, gently, to another location, thus freeing yourself to go about your business or B) sit perfectly still, hold it in and hope for the best.
I think you already know what B) means.
You make feline expressions and gestures
Things are starting to get a tad more serious now. Are you at the point where you don’t even know if you are making them? Perhaps you need to ask a friend or family member where you stand.
If your cats expressions are rubbing off on you, then you’re in deep cat water.
Cats are the topic of the day, most days
Family, friends, spouses, strangers on the commute to work, they all know that cats are on your mind because you can’t stop talking about them. No matter the topic.
Your friends communicate with you via cat images
It’s gotten to the point where you don’t even need to look out your own cat pictures, memes, pictures or videos; you’ve somehow developed a sort of Mafioso delivery service, whereby your friends link you to a daily quota of different pictures on social media.
It’s a great time-saver, sure, but it’s an unequivocal sign that crazy cat lady syndrome has well and truly set in.
Almost everything you own attests to your cat love
If everything from your clothing to your bedroom decor screams of cats, then you’ve nearly completed your transformation.
It’s one thing to love your cat in private, but when it gets to the point that your sweaters are covered in pictures, your phone is adorned with a cat-case and you find more and more excuses to wear those feline flip flops outdoors…then you might be a lost cause.
You demand feline adoration
We all have a list of deal breakers when it comes to those first tentative steps in a new relationship or making new friends. Usually, these red flags centre on politics, social issues or (let’s be honest) attractiveness.
However, if you find that the other person’s personal opinion on cats trumps all of these larger issues and, more than that, you find yourself unable to show human love for somebody who doesn’t care for cats then guess what?
Your cat has a social media profile
The previous seven examples are, for the most part, forgivable and fairly common among us cat owners. This one jumps the shark, though. If your pet has its own social media account then you’ve got a serious crazy cat lady issue on the go.
If it’s an aggressive case. Likely, nothing can be done.
Worse still, if your cat posts refer to you, the pet owner, as mommy ,then it’s time to throw the towel in.
You have a small empire of cardboard boxes
Cats seem to love few things more than playing around in cardboard boxes. A sure-fire sign of Crazycatladyism is if the home is littered with moving boxes, months after the fact, acting as a cardboard labyrinth for your cat to play in.
By this point, can you really say that your cat owns you.
You like to catty chat in public
When you see a cat in public you regularly stop for a full on conversation. Passersby give you odd looks, you don’t understand why because you think this is perfectly normal behavior.
Your cats have a better workout than you
Your cats are more a part of your workout routine than the workout itself. Yes, you even provide your booty for accommodation as you workout.
You find excuses to celebrate cat anniversaries
Pet birthdays are one thing; they’re a largely acceptable example of pet-love and a nice excuse to treat your cat to something a little out of the ordinary. Christmas presents for your cat? A little unorthodox, but understandable.
An Easter present for your cat? Too much.
A Valentine’s gift for your cat? Far too much and, frankly, a little disturbing.
A gift for yourself on Mother’s day from the cat? You need help.
Bonus points if you celebrate the day you purchased your lovable kitty and call it your Cativersary.
Perhaps you, or somebody close to you, are exhibiting some of the above signs of crazy cat lady syndrome. We’re afraid there’s no known course of action available; it’s best to simply smile, move on and hope that you won’t be next The cats come for us all eventually.
